One photo, one flame yet an entire world of significance…
Today I am going to pitch up a traveller’s caravan, knock at the door and if there’s no answer then I will enter anyway, begin to wreck their property, possibly take a shit on their sofa and cause emotional damage to the inhabitants. Continue reading
Whilst reading two BBC news articles for Scotland today it made me wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me.
The first article tells of two men who have admitted setting fire to a stolen car in an Aberdeenshire supermarket car park while people were still sitting inside.
The second article talks about an animal charity calling for the licensing of air guns after a cat in West Lothian was left injured after being shot three times.
I quickly skimmed the first one, thought “idiots” and moved on without giving it a second thought or feeling any sympathy for the victims whatsoever.
The second one got me so angry and I felt genuinely upset for the poor cat.
What does this say about me?
It made me think of all the bad news stories I see each and everyday and how I don’t often give a damn or care about the people involved. Yet as soon as an animal is the subject of the story then I show both interest and emotion.
Am I a bad human?
Another example would be today when I was walking along the pavement and saw a dead bunny rabbit that had obviously been hit by a car and somehow crawled out to take refuge under the bushes. There didn’t appear to be any apparent outward injuries and it simply looked like it was asleep.
I felt so sorry for this poor little creature and it stirred more emotion in me than it does when I read in the news about people being struck by traffic.
Do I not care what happens to other humans?
I’ve never been a big football fan. Give them all a ball so they don’t need to fight over the same one is usually my opinion. However, if I was to be fan then my local team would be Aberdeen Football Club (The Dons) who, for the first time since I can remember, are actually doing quite well. As well as many other recent successes the team will be playing to win the Scottish League Cup final on Sunday 16th March.
To say that Aberdeen fans have gone a little crazy is perhaps an understatement. As reported in the Evening Express on Saturday 15th March, statues have been draped in red, shops have been putting out red bunting, butchers and bakeries have added Dons-themed treats to their menus with Sheep Are On Fire pies and cakes. One of Aberdeen’s biggest shopping malls, Union Square, rebranded themselves “Ewe-nion Square” for the weekend and fans have also written songs, created videos and as reported in the Daily Mail there is even a Cup Final Anthem. I really hope they win but since music is more my thing than football I thought I’d offer out a few “Red” themed songs that the fans could sing on the terraces to will their team to victory and possibly use to celebrate afterwards…
“A Red Letter Day” by The Pet Shop Boys
“…all I want is what you want…”
“99 Red Balloons” by Nena
“…this is what we’ve been waiting for, this is it boys, this is war…”
“Red” by Daniel Merriweather
“…you took something perfect and painted it red…”
“Red, Red Wine” by Neil Diamond
“Old Red Eyes Is Back” by The Beautiful South
I read this article on the BBC News website today.
“Last year, some of the art world’s biggest names handed out career advice in a series of article for the BBC News website.
Author PD James, designer Emma Bridgewater, Oscar-nominated screenwriter Tony Gilroy and Jason Bell, who photographed the christening of Prince George, all listed their top 10 tips for people hoping to emulate their successes.
They spoke of the benefits of hard work, valuing criticism, leaving your comfort zone and even going to the pub…”
I then thought that I would give this a go and give my top ten tips for why I think I am good at being an IT Productivity Coach…
1. It’s not just Doctors that need patience…
I’ve been told on many occasions by people that they can’t believe how patient I am.
They tell me that if they had to try to train someone like themselves then they would be grabbing the computer mouse from under their hands and using it as a weapon until they understood what was they were trying to be shown.
What do I have to say to that? Well firstly violence doesn’t get you anywhere and secondly “keep calm and carry on” – you get to the same end result but you will get there easier, quicker and with acceptable blood pressure levels if you just have a little…patience.
2. Share the knowledge not your problems…
I love sharing information with people. Information that will help them and make their life easier that is. They don’t really want to know if I’m trying for a baby or if my pet hamster just died. They might pretend that they do but they don’t really. Don’t treat people like “agony aunts” and just tell them what they need to know and save the rest for down the pub.
People may not want to hear my worries and problems but that doesn’t mean that they don’t to share theirs.
That’s fine with me – sometimes people need a “sounding off board” and for someone just to listen, occasionally tilt their head and nod.
If I can make someone feel better just by being quiet while they talk and talk….and talk. Surely that’s money for nothing?
4. Treat everyone the same…
From tea boys to the big boys and office secretaries to state secretaries – treat everyone the same.
At the end of the day if they can’t use Microsoft Word then they can’t use Microsoft Word and it doesn’t matter if they are running the country or running to collect the lunch orders.
Everyone is equal in my eyes.
5. I don’t want to know everything…
I’ve got a very small brain and I can’t possibly know everything. I also wouldn’t particularly want to know everything. If I don’t know something then I’ll be honest and say “I don’t know…but I can find out and let you know”. There’s no point in pretending you know when you actually don’t. If you step in dog s*** people can smell it, if you talk bull s*** people can smell it no matter how much sugar you sprinkle on the top of it.
6. Ask and you will receive…
I’ve never been the type of person who volunteers information about their life. Some people on the other hand are all “I’ve done this, I’ve done that blah blah blah”. Yeah? Who cares? If people want to get information about me, from me, then they have to ask. Once they do then it’s like a flood gate has opened and they might wish that they hadn’t asked but since they have invited out the information then they can’t complain when I’m talking about me.
7. Prepare…but don’t over prepare…
If you are delivering a presentation or a training session – prepare, prepare, prepare. Know your subject, know what questions people might ask and know that things can and probably will go wrong. On the other hand, there are some things that you simply can’t prepare for. You could spend hours trying to prejudge a situation then it turns out to be something different entirely and all that time you spent surmising rather than preparing was wasted time. Look at the Roadrunner cartoons, the Coyote would spend ages preparing something ridiculous without knowing for sure the Roadunner’s plans and he pretty much always ended up blowing himself into smithereens. Don’t be the Coyote, be the Roadrunner.
8. Sit on the fence…
Never offer an opinion. People might tell you this about that person and that person will tell you this about another person and so on and so on.
You might get a few splinters in your ass or a cold butt, however, it is definitely much safer sitting up on top of that big fence than getting involved in office politics.
9. Laugh at yourself…
Make yourself out to be more stupid than you actually are. In my case that’s not really too difficult (see, I just done it without even realising).
Make yourself the butt of the joke.
If someone does something ridiculous, a simple “oh, I do that all the time” puts them at ease and immediately diffuses the situation. Obviously this depends on the stupidity of their actions – even I have my limits.
10. Have fun…
Since we spend most of our day at work then if you don’t have fun when you are there then you really need to look for a new job!
ALEX SALMOND BUYS BUS TICKET FOR GEORGE OSBORNE TO TRAVEL TO ABERDEEN as reported in the Evening Express on 21st February
Being a frequent user of public transport I have some advice that I would like to offer the Chancellor of the Exchequer when he uses his ticket to come to the Granite City.
This advice is not just for MPs but for anyone who travels on public transport.
Okay, so you’ve checked the timetable and you now know when the bus is due to arrive. You’ve checked where the nearest bus stop is and worked out what time you should leave so you can get to the bus stop in plenty time and you’ve then walked all the way to the bus stop. It’s safe to assume that by now you know you will be getting on a bus quite soon so why, oh why, do some people still wait until they are standing in front of the driver to get their money/ticket ready. Come on people, don’t hold up all the prepared people standing behind you in the pouring rain and BE READY TO BOARD! Learn from air travellers – they practically wave their boarding passes above their heads like Olympic flags as soon as they enter the airport.
If there is someone less secure on their feet than yourself waiting in the queue then please let them get on the bus first. Bus drivers are not usually the most considerate people in the world and they never wait until everyone is sitting comfortably before moving off. This is normally fine for people with a secure footing, however, for those not so steady on their feet, if they are not seated in plenty time they could end up kissing the back window in no time as the driver speeds off.
Always give up your seat for priority travellers. If you can’t grasp that concept then don’t sit in those seats in the first instance.
Choose your seat wisely…
If the bus is not too busy then keep at least one empty seat between you and the nearest passenger. Don’t invade their space unnecessarily.
If the bus is almost full then sit next to the first person with an en empty seat next to them. If you don’t then that person will be left wondering why no one will sit next to them…”Do I smell?”…”Do I look mean?” etc.
Once you have found your seat and are ready for your journey, don’t put your rucksack/suitcase/purse/kitchen sink on the seat next to you so that no one else can sit there – this is not a Forrest Gump movie and that seat is not “taken”.
Your fellow passengers…
By all means listen to your iPod but don’t have it blaring. I don’t force people to listen to my taste in music so why should others be forced to listen to yours.
If you sit next to someone with headphones on – don’t speak to them. THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU!
If you must chew gum then just chew it. No one wants to see it so keep your mouth shut and don’t show it off. Don’t crack it and definitely don’t stick it under the seat when you are done with it.
What other people do on their phones is private so don’t try to look at the text message they are currently reading or writing however tempting it might be…
Don’t be gross!
What I mean by that is don’t pick your spots, your ears or your nose and most certainly don’t perform any other bodily function that most people consider an “indoor” activity and absolutely not appropriate for public transport.
Ssssshhhh – use your “inside voice”. No one else wants to hear how boring your conversation is so just take it down a notch or two, okay?
Have a pleasant onward journey…
If you know exactly where your end stop is then don’t press the “dinger” a micro-second after it’s left the stop before yours. Travelling by bus is not a quiz show. The fastest finger won’t get the opportunity to become a millionaire and everyone will still get off the bus safely even if you just sit on your ass and wait a few more minutes.
Never get out of your seat whilst the bus is turning around a corner. This will only ever end up with you falling over and most likely landing in some other passenger’s lap. Other passengers do not appreciate unwelcome lap dancers.
Thank the driver…
After all, they have provided you with a service.
A bank worker who embezzled more than £30,000 from a 90-year-old woman has been jailed for 16 months – as reported in the Evening Express on 15th February 2014.
Upon seeing this article appear on my Facebook feed I got so angry with both the topic of the article and also with one of the follow up comments…
“I actually have to say she was a lovely lady and although what she did was completely inexcusable who knows what kind of trouble she was in to see this as the only way out.”
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I see two things wrong with that comment.
Firstly, a “lovely lady” does not spend 3 years stealing money from a 90-year old lady’s bank account. A 90-year old lady who has, no doubt, worked hard all her life and who is now at a stage of her life when she is relying on and putting her trust in the staff of her local bank to help her manage her money as opposed to stealing it. I’ve actually worked for this bank and I have a grasp of how deviously clever you would have to be to simply get away with stealing a single figure sum of money never mind tens of thousands.
No, this lady is far from being “lovely”.
Secondly, if in fact this “lovely lady” was in some “kind of trouble” then she obviously couldn’t be bothered to do some proper troubleshooting before resorting to crime. The internet, being what it is today, it only took me a few seconds to dig up some information on this person. For example, her house and I would imagine, acres of accompanying land doesn’t exactly look like it would be difficult to sell which would certainly raise a lot more money than the £30,000 she has stolen. It would also appear that she is an expert judge with the Gordon Setter Association which I’m sure would involve a fair amount of financial expenditure that could be cut back – that’s just one example…
As I said, I worked for this bank a number of years ago. Granted, they could be a bit more generous when it comes to salaries so I was poor. I couldn’t afford to run my heating all the time so I was cold and poor. Yes, I could certainly have been doing with a few extra pounds each month – the fact that I was just not clever enough to try and beat the bank’s security procedures is beside the point – I just wouldn’t do it!
Why? Because I am lovely.